Brian and Cheri Intensive**

1. Quiz
2. Comfort circle to confirm
3. Holding time
4. Core pattern review

• Perfomance orientation → brian cannot make a mistake; easily feel offended
• Brian’s way of engaging stress (critical tone) → internalize all these, get annoyed, sigh, slam doors,
• still on a performance treadmill trying to keep from criticized
• feels like a failure → either a success or a big flop
• very reactive when she is disappointed in him.

1. Vacillator
1. idealizing how good i am, students, colleagues, wife
2. Sensitive to criticism
2. Bel the avoider
1. Brings up problem (complaint) - why not interested? Why never put cream?
2. Brings up because order is important to her (promises - toilet seat, lights)
1. say things must do
3. interest is important to her (father not interested in her)
3. Assumes Bel is harming me
1. When she asks me to off the light, I assume she is upset with me already ➔ I get angry
1. I moved to devaluing - muttering under breath, stupid, crazy (for example when she ask me to keep the bike) - I was already angry
4. Bel the avoider
1. What just happened? I only tell him - just wanted to him to be respomsbile
1. “Too needy, too emotional” - only tell him to do something, he is upset.
2. Gets defensive, fights back
3. Dismissive of feelings, pain, ideas
5. Mok feels dismissed, misunderstood
1. Ruminates how l we are not working
2. Catastrophic
3. Instead of being loud - i get Paralyzed, frozen, passive aggressive
1. more careful with my words with bel than with Jed
6. Avoider - triggered
1. Overwhelmed by Mok’s neediness and emotion
1. Feels blamed (everything you blame me like how Dad blame her)
2. Fights - escalate
7. Vacillator - triggered
1. Feels abandoned, feels like living
2. blame Bel for not wanting to work on this.
8. Avoider triggered
1. Shut down - stone wall, block phone
2. Gets busy
9. Vacillator
1. Feels abandoned, tries to pursue

With Jed I am an Vacillator

• When do you feel most comforted and most protected with your peaceful words?
• She definitely thinks that when he gives grace when there is an expectation
• and she says sorry and she physically cannot
• really appreciate grace
• it means alot
• Strong hug and comfort means alot.
• Cheri’s Sexual trauma
• Mother was overtly sexual
• Example: Newly married and they were at home. Mother said: if you guy want to use the shower together, pls go ahead and use together.
• Cheri was able to see how she was using sexuality to attract the dad
• Walks around naked at home even when kids are older!
• When someone is extreme in a public area, there is an embarrassment by Cheri
• so it is transferred to Cheri
• SEX WAS DIRTY AND DISGUSTING
• He needs it 1 every 3 days, hers was once a month
• Porn does not protray the woman correctly - they are protrayed always ready but in reality, they are only ready during foreplay
• Big squeeze - kids with attachment issues, they get squeezed in a bean bag.