Emma broke down in the car 🚗💔 Crying, kicking, shouting that “mommy doesn’t like me.” I felt stuck — part of me just wanted to cancel soccer, part of me wanted to argue with logic. Both would’ve missed the point. She wasn’t fighting soccer. She was fighting the fear of being unseen, unheard, unloved. And honestly, I wrestle with the same when life doesn’t go my way. But the gospel reminds me: my security isn’t in circumstances but in Christ’s unshakable love 🙏 That frees me to stay calm, validate, and anchor her in love too. Read the full story on my blog 👇
The Meltdown in the Car
Some time ago, Emma got into the car and learned that she would still be going for soccer. Immediately, she broke down. She cried, kicked the seat, and entered into a full emotional meltdown.
We stayed calm and asked why she felt so sad. She gave her reasons: Caleb wasn’t going with her, and she had already gone to the gym the day before without him. Then came the words: “Mommy is not listening.”
That phrase stood out. What did she really mean? Did she think listening meant agreeing? If so, that was something we knew we’d need to gently address later.
Feeling Rejected and Unloved
As the crying continued, Bel, sitting in the passenger seat, tried to face Emma by turning around. But eventually, she turned back forward again — it was too straining on her neck and shoulders. That small act was enough to escalate Emma’s emotions further: “Mommy is not listening, mommy doesn’t like me.”
Emma is the kind of child who feels emotions very deeply. When Bel turned forward, Emma didn’t interpret it as physical discomfort. She interpreted it as rejection. She felt invisible, unheard, unloved.
At that moment, the issue wasn’t soccer at all. It was her deep fear of rejection and abandonment.
What She Really Needed
It would have been tempting to say, “Fine, you don’t have to go.” That would have solved the problem in the short term, but it would have taught the wrong lesson — that breaking down wins the day.
Another temptation was to explain logically: soccer is good for her, it helps with fitness and practice. But in the middle of emotional distress, logic is useless to a six-year-old. Some decisions, as parents, we must make for her. What mattered here was how we walked with her through those decisions.
So I looked at Emma and said, “I can see why you feel sad.” I named her feelings: going to soccer without Caleb is difficult, and she really loves mommy. I reminded her that mommy loves her too. And I explained: mommy turned forward not because she doesn’t love you, but because her neck was sore.
I also said, “Sometimes mommy needs to turn forward because she feels frustration building up. But that’s not your fault, Emma.” It was important to make sure she didn’t carry responsibility for our emotional regulation.
With that, her crying eased. I then mirrored her deeper need: closeness. I told her, “We’ll be home in five minutes. Mommy will give you a big hug. How many kisses do you want on top of that — one, two, three, or a hundred?” She brightened and said, “A hundred.”
The storm calmed. She still went to soccer, but this time she went with the assurance that she was seen, heard, and loved.
The Parenting Takeaway
Looking back, here are the lessons we learned:
- The tantrum wasn’t about soccer. It was about rejection, abandonment, and the fear of being unloved.
- The solution wasn’t to remove the event she disliked, but to give her what she truly needed: validation, affirmation, and security.
- The greatest responsibility we carry as parents is to regulate ourselves first — to be their emotional anchor.
How should the Christian think about this?
— ✂️ CUT FOR SUBSTACK ✂️ —
Learning to See Beneath the Surface
When children erupt in tears, what looks like defiance is often a cry for connection. It’s easy to think the problem is about getting their way. But often, beneath the surface is a question of identity: Am I loved? Am I safe? Am I secure?
In Emma’s case, she equated disagreement with not being heard. She equated mommy turning forward with being abandoned. These are misinterpretations, but to her, they felt real. If left unchecked, such interpretations can shape how she views relationships and love.
That’s why validation is so important. Validation doesn’t mean giving in; it means helping the child name what they feel and know that they are not alone in it. Boundaries remain firm — soccer still happens — but the emotional needs are met along the way.
Practical Reflections for Parents
From this episode, three principles stand out:
- Don’t solve a tantrum by surrender. Giving in teaches manipulation, not growth.
- Don’t expect logic in emotional storms. The brain isn’t ready for reasoning when the heart is in chaos.
- Do regulate yourself. Parents must be the steady anchor. A sigh, a turn away, or walking off without explanation can easily be read as rejection. Instead, explain your actions and model how to handle big emotions responsibly.
Final Word
Parenting is not about avoiding storms but teaching our children to navigate them. And often, the lesson starts with us — showing them what it looks like to stay calm, to validate, and to keep love steady even when emotions surge.