5 p.m. ping š± I text the on-call team: āHow many patients so far?ā Numbers drop in. I feel a quick rush of reliefā¦until I remember the night is long. More can come anytime. I tell myself itās just info. But my mood swings with that list. Short list = peace. Big list = knots in my stomach. And it changes nothing for tomorrow. Itās really about control. I want to know so I feel safe. But real peace isnāt in numbersāitās in God. Romans 8:28 reminds me He works all things for good. Iām learning to rest in Him, not a 5 p.m. update. š (Read more on my blog)
Some time ago, I noticed a small habit that exposed a bigger struggle.
As a resident, I used to stay overnight in the hospitalārushing to new admissions with only minutesā notice or scrubbing in for emergency surgery. Those nights were long and unpredictable. Now that Iāve become a consultant, I no longer sleep at the hospital. Yet on my call days, I still text the on-call team at 5 p.m.: āHow many patients admitted under me so far?ā
They send me the list. We both add, half-jokingly, āš¤ Keep fingers crossed,ā knowing the night is far from over. More patients canāand often doāarrive.
A Compulsion to Know
The irony? That early list changes nothing. I canāt discharge patients sooner or prevent new ones from coming. Yet I still feel compelled to know, as if information could give control.
And my mood swings with the numbers. If the list is short, relief flickers. But Iāve seen it balloon overnight, turning my evening joy to morning dread. Still, I indulge that fleeting comfort.
It shows how poorly I sit with uncertainty. Even without the 2 a.m. phone calls, I feel the butterflies, the loss of appetite, the edgy conversations with colleagues. The old on-call tension lingers.
Searching for Deeper Rest
This habit reveals more than scheduling anxiety. It points to my deeper need for controlāand my struggle to rest in Godās sovereignty. Romans 8:28 promises that āfor those who love God all things work together for good.ā Yet I keep grasping for knowledge that cannot guarantee a smooth night.
ā āļø CUT FOR SUBSTACK āļø ā
How should a Christian think about this craving for control when the future canāt be managed?
Trusting the One Who Holds the Night
God has gently shown me that He never overloads me beyond what He provides strength for. On tough calls, senior colleagues have offered OR slots at the right moment. Help has arrived when I least expected it.
Remembering this changes my posture. I can thank Him in advance for the help He will give, instead of clinging to a 5 p.m. text for peace. The real security isnāt in the numbers; itās in the God who already knows tomorrowās list.