This was written for Family.org.sg
To my fellow dads:
The truth is that fathering is a struggle:We struggle to put the child’s interest in front of our own, to prioritise our children on top of our career, to love and care for our wives - the list goes on. I’ve been married to my wife, Belinda, since July 2016 and we have 2 children – Emma, 2 and a half years old and Caleb, 8-months-old. I am by no means an experienced dad, so I do not have parenting hacks to offer, but I would like to share four lessons I have learnt about being a father:
It dawned on me that even if I attended every parenting course and read every possible parenting book, it would not be sufficient in preparing me to be ready for the “Call of Daddy”. You may feel confident on some days, and downright helpless on other days, but be encouraged to know this is all part of parenting.
#2 Fatherhood Reveals my WeaknessesÂ
Being a father revealed traits I didn’t know I had. If you had asked me before I became a father to evaluate myself, I would not have hesitated to describe myself as a pretty patient and selfless person. I prided myself on being able to keep my cool in a queue and being accommodating of my wife’s preferences for date nights.
Through the years, I am learning to step up in my role as a father. Now, I try to incorporate family activities into my individual pursuits, like taking Emma in a running stroller for my runs and attending classes online instead so that I can help out more at home!
#2Â Accept that I am never fully Ready
When I was about to become a father with my first child Emma, I thought I was ready — My wife and I had a few honeymoon years, a home to live in, and I was drawing a steady paycheck. However, despite being aware of the demands of taking care of a newborn, interruptions and waking night after night still pushed us to our physical limits. Through Emma and Caleb, I was confronted with the selfishness in my heart. When I am woken up at 3am to a crying baby, not a single cell in my body is patient or selfless.While I feed and pat Caleb to sleep, I’m less concerned about his discomfort than about when I can get back to bed. Parenting is a humbling journey because it pushes us to our limits and reveals that we are mere weak beings, gifted with the responsibility to raise little wonders.
#3 Fatherhood Requires a Shift in Priorities
As much as I love my children, I found it difficult to change and delay my life goals and plans. When I got married, I did not have to make many compromises as Belinda and I had similar priorities and interests. When the children arrived, I was forced to make drastic changes. My wife wisely reminded me that we have been entrusted with our children and should work towards our goal of building a loving and close-knitted family. Â
#4 Fatherhood Requires Being in CommunityÂ
Parenthood has been unbelievably daunting and intense but a part of fatherhood requires being in community. When my family contracted Covid one after another, the loving village around us provided advice and supported us by helping to care for Emma while we recovered. Sometimes, in fulfilling the roles of both protector and provider, fathers attempt to achieve everything — career success, financial freedom, raising children, etc — all at the same time! It is vital to remember that: You don’t have to shoulder it all on your own.You can count on a community and decide on your end goal as a family and work meaningfully towards it!
